The End...hopefully

It turns out that it can take a really long time to finish a miscarriage. Who knew? I'm scheduled for a D&C on Monday, but my doctor wants to do yet another ultrasound first--my third in two weeks--because I've been bleeding heavily the past two days and some other things have happened that weren't happening before. I'll spare you the details. If my uterus is empty, we'll cancel the surgery. But if there's still tissue, I'll go ahead and have the surgery. I've been bleeding for two weeks straight now. I'm ready to move on.

My insurance covers 80% of the surgery, but my out-of-pocket expense is still around $640...for about 30 minutes of actual surgery. That's over $3000 for the whole thing. Ridiculous. I could pay the $640 myself, but I'd have to pay it over time, which is fine. They can't force you to pay all at once. My mom called and told me that she and my dad are sending me a check for the surgery. I'm 30 years old, married, and have a really good job. I also have really great parents. They certainly didn't have to do that, and I didn't ask so they offered out of the blue. Actually, I think my sister may have called them.

So, here's to hoping that this will be over soon. Oh, and we rented Juno last weekend. I had just found out I wasn't going to have a baby...couple that with me being adopted...you can imagine the emotions I was feeling while watching the movie!

Motherhood

I debated on whether or not to write about this but I decided it might me good for me so here goes. I stopped using birth control in December in hopes of getting pregnant within six months to a year. It took three months and we didn't change a thing, ahem, if you know what I mean. To put it simply, we must be fertile. My blood work was normal and for all accounts and purposes, I was pregnant. I went on two vacations, sober I might add, and then had my first ultrasound this past Monday. Throughout this process, I have had this fear of getting the ultrasound and nothing being there. I couldn't explain it, but I was fearful of that happening. So Cody and I went to the ultrasound together and the tech says, "Guys, I'm seeing an empty sac." There it was. My biggest fear. There was nothing there.

We spoke with the doctor afterwards who explained that I had formed the gestational sac but no fetus, which is super common. Not very comforting, but very common. She said that technically, I was pregnant, but that I would miscarry either naturally or she could perform a D and C. She also said that it could take up to five weeks to actually miscarry and that I would feel pregnant the entire time. I had already decided that I would have the D and C but she wanted to do some blood work and check my pregnancy hormone levels and so on first. Of course, I wanted to miscarry naturally but I wasn't going to wait a month to do it.

The funny thing is that I went to a class at Seventh Street where Hannah was subbing. I was the only student there so she basically just did a private lesson with me. She already knew I had gotten pregnant so I gave her the update. She had me doing all kinds of crazy stuff that day. I started bleeding that night. I'm thinking that the things we did helped the miscarriage along, which is what I wanted.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend Nicki yesterday and she asked me if I was mad that my body had been tricked into thinking it was pregnant. I never really felt mad. At first, I felt sad and broke down a few times. After a day or two, I mostly felt disappointed. I still feel sad and disappointed, but now I mostly feel hopeful. Hopeful that I will get pregnant again as easily as I did before and that I will form a fetus and have a healthy baby. My doctor was super positive and encouraging. Even though not forming a fetus is common, not forming a fetus more than once is not common.

I have never seen myself as a mother; it has never been a lifelong dream of mine. Even after I stopped using birth control, knowing that the possibility of getting pregnant was there, I still felt relieved when I would get my cycle those first few months. But when I found out I was pregnant, after the initial shock wore off, I could not have been more excited. I have never wanted to be pregnant and now I absolutely cannot wait.

Funky

I'm tired and grumpy. Gas is slowly, or should I say quickly, rising to $4 a gallon in Austin. I think I'll just stay home and watch television for the rest of my life. I left my diamond necklace in Florida. Why did I even take it? I wore it on the drive over there, took it off, and then I guess just left it on the dresser. Stupid. And to top it all off I've contacted the owners of the house we rented and they have promised to check with their cleaning crew. It's been four days. Either they have it or they don't. And let's get real, if no one turned it in, then someone kept it. Totally my fault for leaving it there but it's hard for me to believe that it just didn't show up when they were cleaning.

Hopefully my grumpiness will have gone away by the time I write again.

Hit the beach!

I'm leaving for vacation tomorrow for a week, so I won't be blogging. May has been such a busy month for me that I haven't been blogging much anyway. Things should calm down after I return. I'm looking forward to vacation for many reasons, but mainly because I get to spend quality time with the best friends I could ask for. I only see them a few times a year, if I'm lucky, and each time I leave thinking how blessed I am to have such wonderful friends in my life. My friend Angie can't be there this year and she is very sad. Today is her birthday so I hope I can cheer her up a little when I talk to her. I'm sad that she can't be there and that I don't get to meet her boyfriend Joshua--I would say new boyfriend, but he's not really new anymore. I wish we all lived in the same city. I know I've said that many times before, but it bears repeating. I treasure these vacations with my buddies and hope that we continue with them until we are old and gray.

Hot Commodity

I have been looking for a new job for quite some time for a number of reasons. I finally got a job offer today and I had planned to happily accept it until I talked with my boss. After a few hours, he had rewritten my job description and offered me more money than the new job if I would stay. Of course I am staying, not just because of the money but because the new job description is much better than my current one and because I didn't really want to leave. I've built relationships here and they are strong ones. The money was just an added incentive. So, anyway, I'm having a really good day. And I've been out of town so I'm heading back to yoga tonight (Thank God!). From the looks of the online schedule, Margaret is teaching. I didn't know this day could get any better.