Motherhood

I debated on whether or not to write about this but I decided it might me good for me so here goes. I stopped using birth control in December in hopes of getting pregnant within six months to a year. It took three months and we didn't change a thing, ahem, if you know what I mean. To put it simply, we must be fertile. My blood work was normal and for all accounts and purposes, I was pregnant. I went on two vacations, sober I might add, and then had my first ultrasound this past Monday. Throughout this process, I have had this fear of getting the ultrasound and nothing being there. I couldn't explain it, but I was fearful of that happening. So Cody and I went to the ultrasound together and the tech says, "Guys, I'm seeing an empty sac." There it was. My biggest fear. There was nothing there.

We spoke with the doctor afterwards who explained that I had formed the gestational sac but no fetus, which is super common. Not very comforting, but very common. She said that technically, I was pregnant, but that I would miscarry either naturally or she could perform a D and C. She also said that it could take up to five weeks to actually miscarry and that I would feel pregnant the entire time. I had already decided that I would have the D and C but she wanted to do some blood work and check my pregnancy hormone levels and so on first. Of course, I wanted to miscarry naturally but I wasn't going to wait a month to do it.

The funny thing is that I went to a class at Seventh Street where Hannah was subbing. I was the only student there so she basically just did a private lesson with me. She already knew I had gotten pregnant so I gave her the update. She had me doing all kinds of crazy stuff that day. I started bleeding that night. I'm thinking that the things we did helped the miscarriage along, which is what I wanted.

Anyway, I was talking to my friend Nicki yesterday and she asked me if I was mad that my body had been tricked into thinking it was pregnant. I never really felt mad. At first, I felt sad and broke down a few times. After a day or two, I mostly felt disappointed. I still feel sad and disappointed, but now I mostly feel hopeful. Hopeful that I will get pregnant again as easily as I did before and that I will form a fetus and have a healthy baby. My doctor was super positive and encouraging. Even though not forming a fetus is common, not forming a fetus more than once is not common.

I have never seen myself as a mother; it has never been a lifelong dream of mine. Even after I stopped using birth control, knowing that the possibility of getting pregnant was there, I still felt relieved when I would get my cycle those first few months. But when I found out I was pregnant, after the initial shock wore off, I could not have been more excited. I have never wanted to be pregnant and now I absolutely cannot wait.